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Feminist Discernment in the Family
Transforming Romantic Partnerships, Parenting, and Consumption

created and written by:
Emily Knurek & Cecilia Yu

Transforming Romantic Partnerships:
Beyond Love as Masculine Domination and Feminine Submission

“The heartbeat of our alternative vision is still a fundamental and necessary truth: there can be no love where there is domination. Feminist thinking and practice emphasize the value of mutual growth and self-actualization in partnerships and in parenting. This vision of relationships where everyone’s needs are respected, where everyone has rights, where no one need fear subordination or abuse, runs counter to everything patriarchy upholds about the structure of relationships.”
- Bell Hooks (1)

Realisation

A major focus of modern feminism has been around violence against women, because our society has been a reflection of the masculine desire for female submission and passivity." The Injury Centre of the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention estimated that in the United States each year, about 1.5 million women are raped or physically assaulted by an intimate partner, and that 4-8% of pregnant women are abused sometime during their pregnancy. For more statistics and details, click here.

Violence against women is prevalent because of several factors. First, the traditional structure of marriage exudes an inequality between the husband and the wife. Such polarization leaves the relationship, and usually the wife, prone to domestic violence. The traditional image of a marriage or family depicts the husband as a man of power and control. The wife may become more of a possession than a person in the eyes of her husband. Such objectification of women leaves them vulnerable to abuse. Outside of the home, violence is sexualised and popularised by popular culture and the media. As Jean Kilbourne illustrates in several of her documentaries, including Killing Us Softly (1979), the media portrays women in such a way that not only affects the images women have on themselves, but also affects how men view women. Popular culture has glamourised violence, leading young people to believe that violence, especially against women, is okay. (2)

Unfortunately, many women choose to remain silent after experiencing domestic abuse and violence. This feminist discernment process encourages women to defend themselves and to express their pain and feelings. Women have to realise that they must never accept violence and disrespect from their husbands. Women should not feel that they are to blame for the domestic violence. Today, there are many established organisations that aim to help abused and battered women heal themselves and rebuild their relationships. For domestic abuse resources click here.

Often, relationships are strained, because we look at partnership possibilities in a dualistic way.  Julie Nelson describes three possible interactions that can form between two individuals in a relationship when limiting ourselves to a dualistic mindset. First is a separative-separative relationship, wherein the two individuals have no effect on one another and act as completely separate individuals. The second form of relationship is the merger (or as Nelson calls it, the soluble-soluble). Here, the two individuals unite, fusing and acting as one unit. The third form is the separative-soluble, or domination, model, wherein one partner controls the other in a hierarchical fashion. (3)

When women think that relationships can only take one of these three forms, they may limit themselves to the roles they take in the relationship. Because the first model (separative-separative) lacks intimacy and the second (soluble-soluble) takes away individuality, women often submit to the third model of relationship. As such, women need to not only realize abuse is wrong, but that they have to change the way they believe relationships function. Our expectations and our own perceptions of romantic partnerships greatly influence our relationships with our partners. Women often romanticize male power and domination - and men who exhibit these negative, traditionally masculine qualities. With this kind of brainwashing, women are susceptible to accepting violence as a form of control from men. Men, in turn, use violence to attempt to control women; however it is important to note that often men were victims of physical abuse by parents in their childhood. Learn more about Authoritarian Parenting.

In thinking of romantic partnerships from a feminist perspective, gender designations are not necessary and can be harmful. As Christopher Lasch writes, “Even the relations between men and women, seemingly ordained by biology, could be reordered once they were perceived as the product of custom, “prejudice,” law, and education. Such was the hope that gave birth to modern feminism: a new sexual dispensation based on human intelligence and rational design, not on the irrational irrelevance of gender.” (4) For women, to reject subordination should not and does not mean that they give up being the provider of care; rather, it is that the caring labour should not be bypassed without proper acknowledgement.

Moving Beyond

After the realization that one is a victim or the oppressor in a domestic abuse situation, one must take action to correct this behaviour. For the oppressor, it is often through personal counselling to better understand the source and reason for abusing others and to better handle one's anger. This is a focal point of feminist transformation in love and marriages. Both men and women have to reject violence as a part of masculinity. Because masculinity is a social gender construct, we can transform the way we define and understand masculinity. As Ronald Levant says, socially constructed gender roles are "not biological or even social givens, but rather as psychologically and socially constructed entities that bring certain advantages and disadvantages and, most importantly, can change". (5)

Society's perception of masculinity is the result of men having undergone "specific social, cultural, and historical gendering processes." These gendering processes have changed men's understanding of their role in contemporary society. (6) American culture has associated the controlling, white, and heterosexual masculine figure with specific privileges and societal status. This was particularly true post-War World II when corporate American began campaigns spouting the all-American family: a bread-winning father, domestic mother, and their protected children. Learn more about Feminist Parenting and Redefining the "Natural Family." After all, masculinity is a representation of not only the male identity, but also a political, sexual, and social ideology that stems from being in power. The dominant white, heterosexual masculinity promoted in American culture is a socio-construction, rather than the true essence of being a man. Feminists look to deconstruct the domineering white, heterosexual masculine definition and reconstruct it to reflect feminist principles.

Transforming of the concept of masculinity begun with two significant movements. One is the feminist movement that challenged the traditional duality of gender. The second is the homosexual movement that questioned the traditional monolithic definition of masculinity. Even within the feminist movement, separate feminist movements, particularly by the lesbians and black feminisms, have augmented the realization and understanding of the sexual and ethnic "plurality of American masculinity." This plurality is important, because "gender intersects with racial, class, ethnic, sexual, and regional modalities of discursively constituted identities." (7)

It is important to note that not all men should be painted in a bad light. Many men have joined movements to end violence against women. Such organisations include Men Stopping Violence and the National Organisation for Men Against Sexism.

Learn more about the Feminist Transformative Process of Combining.

Women in turn must stand up for themselves and resist manipulations and abuse from their partners. It is important to note women are not all victims of domestic abuse. Men can be and are abused by their wives. The feminist transformation of love and marriage applies to both men's and women's consciousness of standing up against domestic violence and understanding that the monolithic definition of masculinity should not be an internalised and accepted social reality. Because masculinity is often defined as the opposite of feminity, the association must be changed. Women should not view themselves as subjects of physical and emotional fragility, simply because they are defined as "feminine" by society. Women have to raise up and enforce change: masculinity and feminity do not denote or justify acts of aggression, control, or violence.

Learn about resources to effect these changes.

Learn about Feminist transformation to symmetrical relationships.

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