Feminist Discernment in the Family
Transforming Romantic Relationships, Parenting, and Consumption
created and written by:
Emily Knurek & Cecilia Yu
What is Discernment?
Discernment is about introspection for every group—both the oppressed and the oppressors. Do we value our relationships enough, and what does being a parent and a child mean? How much importance do we place on families? This process encourages us to rethink and transform traditional conceptions and practices of work. It is a continuation of the other feminist transformative processes, both in thought and action. Like all other feminist transformative processes - and other feminist movements for that matter - both men and women are essential for changing and redefining parenting, romantic partnerships, and consumption.
THE FEMINIST DISCERNMENT PROCESS radically rethinks and strives to reconstruct of all aspects of our lives, including our values, our social practices, and our cultural, familial, economic, and political institutions. All should transform and free themselves from the distortions and injustices connected to gender oppression. Feminist Discernment in the Family focuses on transforming romantic partnerships, parenting, consumption, and caring labour. Feminist Discernment in the Economy focuses on the ways social responsibility and downshifting movement are transforming the economy.
Feminist Discernment in the Family:
"The family is central to the oppression and liberation of women.
Therefore, the family must be central to feminist theory as well."
-Jane Flax 1982, quoted in Mack-Canty Wright Study (1)
Feminists realize that we need to rethink and transform romantic partnerships. Men and women, whether gay or straight, are unhappy with the traditional definition of marriage and partnership. This is apparent in the high divorce rate, the prevalence of domestic violence, and the struggle for gay and lesbian rights.
Why is companionship and love so hard to find? One reason is that traditional marriage and our idea of “love,” is built on polarization and inequality between partners. The “natural” family is defined as a husband, wife, and their biological children. This definition invalidates alternative family forms and assumes loving relationships cannot occur in other family structures, such as in lesbian and gay households. Additionally, many governmental policies encourage families to form “natural” families with tax incentives and other rewards to the disadvantage of other family types (Matthaei article). (2) Bell Hooks explains how notions of love are rooted in polarization and inequality: “Love in patriarchal culture is linked to notions of possession, to paradigms of domination and submission wherein it was assumed one person would give love and another person receives it.” (3) (Hooks) As currently defined, marriage as a union of different and unequal genders subordinates women and undermines real, mutually-respectful, and sharing romantic partnerships.
Learn more about Transforming Romantic Partnerships:
An Introduction: From the "Natural Family" to Feminist Love and Marriage
Feminists recognize that we are in the midst of a “crisis of care” and that it is necessary not only to rethink our views on parenting, but also to transform our parenting practices if we are to free future generations from gender oppression (Folbre). (4) Feminists have drawn attention to women’s “double shift” as part of the Integrative Process and to the devaluation of caring work in the home as part of the Valuing the Devalued Process. Feminists realize that we must go farther than this, rethinking and transforming the parent-child relationship itself. Traditional parenting, authoritarian or subservient styles, hurts parents as well as children. Many adults have psychological problems that can be traced to how they were parented (Miller). (5) Most parents have the ability to transmit and reinforce gender norms to their children, reproducing gender polarisation oppression and hierarchy in the next generation. Additionally, the idea of “natural” motherhood excludes men from active parenting and prevents parents of both sexes from receiving social support and education because it is assumed that women are biologically suited to motherhood and have innate, or “natural,” knowledge about how to properly mother. It is necessary to apply a feminist lens to the parent-child relationship in order to root out domination and the reproduction of restrictive gender roles, to encourage new, healthier, and less restrictive models of masculinity and femininity for children, and to raise children in families where they can know love and respect, free of domination and oppression.
The family, as traditionally structured, has been at the core of polarized gender roles and women’s subordination to men. Through Feminist Discernment in the Family, women and men are healing and transforming the husband-wife and parent-child relationship. In doing so, individuals work towards restructuring society and transforming their interpersonal relationships. Men and women are involved in the Discernment Process, both personally and politically, because gender polarization hurts all of us. Men and women are finding they can benefit from working toward more equal, mutually supportive, and less polarized relationships. As part of this process, individuals embrace or are a part of alternative structures of the “natural” family. Finally, feminists are seeking support for parenting and rethinking the parent-child relationship, healing their relationships with themselves, their partners, and their children, and ending the cyclic transmission of hierarchy and oppression.
Learn more about Feminist Parenting:
Feminists recognize women need to resist competitive consumerism and society in general needs to practice socially responsible consumption. Feminists note that although competitive consumerism was a key factor in the increase of women in the paid labour force, competitive consumerism has changed in its definition in our capitalist economy. Those in the labour force are now much more focused on the sole objective of having the ability to buy more. Parents are bound to competitive consumerism, because they feel material goods are the only available motivators and controllers when teaching and disciplining children. As practised in Buddhist economics, feminist economic transformation aims to stop the constant craving for material wealth and encourage a greater focus on personal development and true well-being.
Learn more about Transforming Consumption:
Page Created: May 21st, 2007
Last Modified: October 9th, 2007